Dating
Dating is not for the faint of heart. It can be one of the most nerve-racking endeavours for any of us, disability or not. However, when you add in the unique aspects of living with a disability (or disabilities), even the thought of dating can be overwhelming. Regardless, it is important for us to keep in mind that dating is not impossible and can be quite exhilarating and fulfilling. We are certain that there are a lot of great stories out there that should be shared. This is a place where we can share our strategies, our truths, our heartaches and our love stories (plus everything in between). There are people in the community who are thinking about putting themselves out there and need some peer support… let’s provide them with some encouragement!
Please Note: we may include our names on these pages, everyone else will be identified as “Contributor” or “Peer” unless express permission has been given. If you have any comments or feedback on anything posted, please contact us.
Subject: CBC News: 5 women share their stories about life and dating with a disability (written by Sarah Harrower)
Posted: February 4, 2022
CBC News: 5 women share their stories about life and dating with a disability (written by Sarah Harrower)
Wallace & Melanie: We are always looking for stories on dating. These women talk about self-acceptance, vital conversations, agency and voice, being you, the importance of communication and that we are all on an ongoing journey. Let's keep the conversation going people! We would love to hear about your dating experiences. Read the full article by clicking on the link below.
Sarah Harrower: Dating is hard. Dating as a young woman with a disability comes with its own challenges.There are as many different experiences as there are people living with disabilities. Some good, some bad. But within the community, between friends, and now, even within larger groups, conversations about romance and sexuality are happening.
Subject: Relationships and Technology AKA Sexuality Series: The Evolution of Dating (from ILCWR’s Disability and Sexuality Summer Webinar Series)
Posted: September 2, 2021
Relationships and Technology AKA Sexuality Series: The Evolution of Dating (from ILCWR’s Disability and Sexuality Summer Webinar Series)
Melanie: Sheri Roberts is a Community Resource Coordinator with ILCWR (check out their website HERE). She led the 3rd session in their Summer Webinar Series and it is easy to see how passionate she is about her work.
Sheri discussed online dating apps, getting to know people and strategies for finding common ground with someone else. She also brought up the important topic of "disclosure" - when is the best time to disclose your disability (a very personal choice). She also talked about safety and what we should keep in mind during the process.
What really appeals to me about these ILCWR sessions is the open dialogue with the participants - GREAT SHARING. In addition... a shout out to Megan of ILCWR - she is their VARP Coordinator - thanks Megan!
Subject: Kevin's TEDx Picks Part 2
Posted: August 13, 2021
Kevin's TEDx Picks Part 2
Melanie: Kevin Munn is a Peer Support Worker for the Victoria Disability Resource Centre (VDRC). He sent us some great links to TEDx videos that we added to the Sex and Sexuality page, which is why we are calling this post “Part 2”. Thank you for the link Kevin!
"The Understanding of Disability and the Disability of Understanding" presented by Kalyani Khona (TEDxGateway). Length: 9 minutes.
Kalyani observed the lack of dating platforms for people with disabilities in India and was determined to change this. The more inclusive our world is, the richer we ALL are. She started up Inclov, an online dating app for people with disabilities. After Inclov was up and running, she recognized the need to create physical spaces for people to meet in person to socialize.
"Social Spaces gives individuals a chance to get out of their comfort zone and meet new people in an inclusive environment, have fun and maybe meet The One in the process."
Unfortunately, Inclov had to close its doors on January 20th, 2020 due to a lack of funding. Kalyani had the following to say...
"Looking back, we feel proud that Inclov has managed to become a global case study with an award of Top 50 Global Innovative Practices by Zero Project at The United Nations, bring together a community of 60,000 people across India, enable connections and conversations between 20,000 people, host 100+ inclusive and accessible meetups across 40 cities in India including nightlife meetups, create an inclusive eco-system by partnering with brands like Microsoft, ITC, Cox & Kings and many more, (AND) bring many happy couples together. We hope you carry the mindset of the right to equality as well as freedom for all and keep the spirit of Inclov alive in your heart forever."
The possibility of failure should not stop us from following our dreams to make the world a better, more inclusive place.
“Change never happens at the pace we think it should. It happens over years of people joining together, strategizing, sharing, and pulling all the levers they possibly can. Gradually, excruciatingly slowly, things start to happen, and then suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, something will tip.” Judith Heumann
Ever forward people!
Subject: Knowing Yourself
Posted: March 1, 2021
Knowing Yourself
Wallace & Melanie: Both of us know couples who met when they were teenagers and are as in love today as they were 30 years ago. These stories exist, but they are rare. Most of us need more practice before we find the right fit. We use the word “practice” because we feel this is a good way to look at it. It’s a practice. Trial and error. When we are learning how to do something new, we practice the skill, knowing we may fail. When we fail we readjust our approach and try again. How is it any different for dating? We need to practice it, to fail at it and to keep going. But let’s take a step back from dating for a moment and look inward. It starts with “you” (meaning each and every one of us). We believe that “you” must start by knowing yourself, knowing what you want, knowing what you have to offer and… knowing from your core that you are indeed worthy of love. “I am worthy of love. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer and I will not compromise my fundamental principles”. How can we know what we want out of a relationship, what we need from our partner, if we don’t have an understanding of who we are as an individual? It all begins with you loving you.
Subject: Finding Love in the Age of Covid
Posted: March 1, 2021
Finding Love in the Age of Covid
Melanie & Wallace: If you’ve entered into the dating scene during Covid, we want to hear about it! Please send us an email.
Subject: Adventures With Online Dating
Posted: March 1, 2021
Adventures With Online Dating
Melanie & Wallace: We have been asked about how we met, and since we are asking you to share your story, we felt it was important for us to get things started.
Wallace: One of the main reasons why I had developed a dislike for dating sites, was that it was clear to me that my honesty in talking about my disability and being forthcoming about it, had a negative impact on the replies I received. Early on in my post injury dating life, I learned, through trial and error, that it is best to be as honest as possible. I would much rather receive fewer responses with people knowing the truth, as opposed to increasing the interest by not being transparent. It only delays the inevitable. However, when I first started dating after sustaining my SCI 32 years ago, I was much more hesitant to talk about such things like how my bladder and bowels work, where my level of sensation is, what muscles I can control, spasms etc. I was worried that sharing such information would just scare people off and not give them a chance to really get to know me before they could get freaked out by any aspect of my SCI. In my early dating experiences with this mindset, I realized that I was investing myself and my emotions in another person while carrying the weight of my truth. In retrospect, it was damaging and unfair to myself and to the other person. There is weight in the saying “truth is the best policy”. After some heartbreak, I realized that I wanted someone who wanted me for all that I am right from the start. What really helped me was talking to peers and listening to their stories of successful relationships. In time they led me to realize that it is more than possible to find a partner who loves me for all that I am. It was with this confidence that I moved forward. I have had significant relationships and flings that were all started with the truth being on the table. My partners noted that part of their attraction to me was my honesty and confidence. The relationships did not stand the test of time, but they did not end because of my SCI. The truth is, finding a long-lasting functional relationship is not an easy task for anyone.
Melanie & Wallace: That brings us to how we met. We were both at a point where we were happy and satisfied with our lives as single parents of adult children. Although we both wanted to find our “partner in crime” we did not want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. We were ready to lay it all on the table. Despite both of us having reservations and a poor history of online dating sites, we chose to give it one last kick at the can. Both of us had filled out our profiles with great care and detail. It is a very vulnerable feeling to put yourself out there like that, but we both felt openness and honesty were paramount. We cannot stress enough that trial and ERROR is really the only way to figure out what works best for you with regards to communicating. You have to accept that there could be a lot of no’s before you get to a yes, and not all yes’s will work out in the long term.
Wallace: When fillings out my profile, my SCI was not hidden, but it was not the focal point. All the facts were there in plain language, however I focused on my accomplishments and abilities. My SCI does not define me, but it is a part of who I am.
Melanie: When I read Wallace’s profile I was attracted to his accomplishments and interests (AND... I thought he was extremely attractive). His education, dedication to social work and justice was very appealing to me. We had many common interests and it seemed as though we spoke the same language. Knowing that he had an SCI and lived his life fully told me that he was a person who thrives in the face of adversity, and that is what I was looking for. I found all aspects of him to be attractive. I am convinced that this is in part due to the work I did on my own. Knowing who I am and what I want. I had questions about his SCI, but it was not the focal point for me. Very quickly we determined that we would talk on the phone and skip messaging through the site as it was limiting and slow. Our first conversation was over 3 hours long. We met in person within a few weeks. During our long phone conversations, Wallace was very candid about the way his body works. We got into even more detail after we met. I found everything to be so interesting. None of what he talked about made him less attractive, it just helped me to understand him more fully. It was not just him laying everything on the table, I did too. We did not hold back on expressing what we wanted or did not want. We both wanted to know ASAP if there were any deal breakers. Life is too short so we opened up very quickly and put in motion how we would communicate with one another moving forward.
Wallace: Although what I am sharing is my personal experience with dating and honesty, I have learned over the past 32 years through sharing with peers that my experience is most common. Not sharing truths is the deal breaker for me.